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Chantal Eder

SELF-CARE FOR THE MIND, BODY & SOUL. FROM PREGNANCY TO MOTHERHOOD & BEYOND.

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IS BREASTFEEDING EASY?

August 5, 2018

IS BREASTFEEDING EASY?

A girlfriend asked me this the other day. And without thinking I answered: “Now it is. It was really hard in the beginning, cracked bleeding nipples, over supply, lactation consultants, but now we’re good.”.

I later thought about this and wished I could rewind my answer. I made it sound like ‘no big deal’ when actually it was one of the hardest things I have ever done (am doing). And was incredibly unhelpful.

So here is my real answer:

Breastfeeding is a journey. One that is not for everyone. Some women will do it for 6 months. Some women will do it longer (currently in the US only 5% do). And because they can’t or they choose not to, some won’t do it at all and that’s ok.

For me the journey started out a bit bumpy, as for most first time mother’s who have never breastfed before.

I was lucky, J latched as soon as he could after being born. Although I was on all fours, as my mid-wife tried to figure out why my placenta wasn’t passing. I went to surgery and J couldn’t feed again for hours.

When I returned, J was immediately taken away as he had jaundice and needed to be under the lights. They told me they’d give him formula. I said no. I still could not move my legs from the surgery, so I had to fight with them to bring him back to me so I could feed him. I then had to hobble to the nursery every 2-3 hrs. I had no guidance. I had no idea what I was doing. One of the nurses put a pillow under one arm, latched him for me the first time and left. We tried to figure it out. We tried to remember everything from our breastfeeding course. We thought it was going well.

The next day, when the hospital lactation consultant finally came, J wouldn’t latch. She put it down to him being full. I kept trying. I didn’t know how long he should feed for. After a 45min stint on one boob one nurse finally said, ‘that’s too long your nipple will get sore’.

And they did. And they dried out, and cracked and bled and I still had to feed. It was the most painful thing I’d ever gone through. Oh, and I was one day removed from giving birth in the back of a New York taxi. I was in tears. My husband was consoling the baby. We didn’t know what to do. We had our first doctor’s visit the next day. They said J had lost too much weight and I had 5 days to fix it or had to resort to formula.

I called my doula. I called my friends who had nursed. We even consulted another doula, who was dropping off my placenta capsules. She propped me and J up on 6 pillows to make it work. Which of course was useless, as when she left we couldn’t figure out how she did it. I made an emergency appointment with another lactation consultant for $250!

Finally some relief. My girlfriend said ‘ hang in there. It’s going to hurt for 48hrs. And it will get better’. I didn’t believe her for the life of me. My doula said ‘put some breastmilk on your nipples, use cooling pads, I’ll be there tomorrow’. Thus started a routine. Feed, breastmilk on nipples, lansinoh cream on nipples and cold compress.

24hrs later, by the time the lactation consultant showed up, J had already gained weight. My milk was finally coming in and my nipples were starting to heal. She then showed me the single best thing I could pass on to any breastfeeding mom. Side lying. It changed the game. For feeding, for sleeping, for cluster feeds, for over supply (yeah, I’ll get to that). It made life work.

A week later, my nipples returned to a variation of ‘normal’ and J had gained the necessary weight. All was good…. for 1 week. I went to bed one night and felt a massive pain in my arm pit, like a bruise on the inside. It got worse. My worst breastfeeding nightmare was about to come true. The pain got so bad I couldn’t pick up the baby. I got a fever, chills, sweats. I got Mastitis (an infection of the milk duct). I was put on antibiotics and changed the routine. Warm breast pads, feed, breastmilk, cream, cold breastpads for nipples. Hot shower and boob massage to get the milk flowing. Mark had to lift the baby to me. I couldn’t change him. I called the lactation consultant again.

This time she put J and I in a series of ridiculous positions. My ‘over supply’ is causing him to choke and is causing my Mastitis. J has to lie right on top of me face down, or sit at the side of me and drop his head on my boob like he’s eating off a table. It’s frustrating. I can’t get in the positions myself so Mark has to help again. I have so much milk it is leaking out of me. There’s a trail around the apartment and I have to change my breastpads hourly.

Luckily, we make it through before Mark had to go back to work. I got back to side laying for our first 4 hour cluster feed. Mark is now forced to bring me food in bed, while J is on the boob (advice, buy a Kindle). By this point time on the boob doesn’t event affect my nipples anymore.

I’ve been so busy adjusting to it all I ignore the other symptoms I’ve been having.  Enter DMER.

I start to ask my girlfriends. Does your let down make you nauseous? Does breastfeeding make you feel sad? No one can relate to this. Every let down I have, even when I am alone in the shower, brings a wave of nausea. Sometimes to the point of gagging, and an intense sadness that sweeps me away to deep, dark thoughts. I finally give in and look to the Internet. Luckily on this path I have met a social media friend who adds me to a breastfeeding group. I am not alone.

Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex is a rare condition. Before let down you experience a state of dysphoria. For me this included unease in my body, nausea and extreme sadness, bordering depression. For others it can present as anger or anxiety. The sensations occur on a spectrum and relate to a drop in dopamine. For me it was severe for many months. It’s gotten less and less frequent. But I still feel it once a day and have to remind myself what it is. The emotions are so intense you can forget and get caught up in them.

Two months into this journey. The ‘worst’ was over. I continued to massage my breasts every day, fearful the mastitis would return. I stopped this at 6 months. I got a couple of blocked ducts. Painful but manageable. J stops choking on my milk and we can feed upright, which means I can start feeding in public. Yet another hurdle, you get over the more you do it. J never liked a cover, he pulled off, I sprayed, I leaked, he fussed. It’s a whole other blog post.

By four months he was able to latch himself – something I never thought would happen. Public feeds were easier. But he was also getting his first teeth. The biting began. I was lucky he didn’t break the skin and stopped after a month or so but that was a whole different level of pain.

Now 13 months later, we are down to three feeds in 24hrs. Albeit one being 45 mins long.

I have fed him on planes, trains and automobiles. On mountains, in restaurants, on beaches. While walking, in parks, in airports, even on the street in the middle of winter.

I have experienced intense sadness and joy. And one of the deepest connections I’ve ever had.

Is it easy? No. But it’s easier. And after 13 months it finally feels natural.

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BIRTH STORY: PART IV ‘AFTERBIRTH’

August 10, 2017

I was wheeled from the street into the birthing centre and all I could do was stare at this little creature in my arms. I don’t even remember who was around me or what I said or did but once we got to the birthing centre I thought it was over.

I had completely forgotten about my placenta and so had my body. My midwife told me to push out my placenta and I had no idea how to push, as I hadn’t needed to do this to get the baby out. My contractions had stopped. They brought Josef to my chest to latch and create the oxytocin needed to release the afterbirth. It didn’t work.

They flipped me on all fours, and then stood me up, still nothing. It was like a smaller version of labour. Finally they brought in a doctor from the OR. My placenta was tightly attached to my uterus and was not letting go. I had to go into surgery. After a drug free birth I was injected with a spinal, a drip of pitocin and something to relax my uterus. My legs started to numb and tingle and were lifted up into stir-ups.

I started to panic, the sensation of not feeling my legs was so strange. My placenta was attached to the top of my uterus so you can imagine how far the surgeon had to reach in to detach it. I could feel all the pushing and pulling in my abdomen. It took 15 mins but luckily it came out whole and healthy.

They tore me in the procedure so had to give me stitches. I was wheeled back to recovery and for the first time I was alone. I was empty, there was no one around and I couldn’t move from the waist down. It felt horrible and scary. Luckily after 20 mins Mark and Josef were allowed to join me and my heart was full again.

Finally together as a family, a team of 3.

I was separated from Josef for most of the first day of his life, as he had to go under the UV lights that night as well. I’m still processing this and am surprised by the impact it has had on me. I realized the other day that other than in the Taxi I had never held him fully naked until his first sponge bath or kissed his little bottom. He is growing so fast and I already want time to slow down. He’s definitely a lesson in enjoying every moment.

❤️ Thank you all for reading. 🙏 @ New York, New York

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BIRTH STORY: PART III ‘A BIG YELLOW TAXI’

August 8, 2017

They somehow got me dressed. I had one big contraction before we made it out the door. The doula said ‘oh the birth ball’ to which I replied:

‘Fuck the birth ball’.

The elevator doors opened to a full car. Mark said ‘she is in labor’. No one moved. So we all got in. Another huge contraction. Down to the lobby, another contraction. The Uber, who knew I was in labor, had left. The doorman suggested an ambulance, Mark told him to get a cab. Another huge contraction, this time the pressure was surreal. Something was opening.

I got in the cab and could not sit down. I put one knee on the seat and one foot on the floor. Mark crawled in and we resumed our position.

My noises changed again. With every contraction I felt an opening. I kept thinking is this transition.
I better not get to the hospital to be told I’m only 4cm! The contractions started getting closer and closer. The cab ride felt like it was taking forever. At Central Park I said:

‘It’s too far’.

My body knew the baby was coming. My brain was still trying to convince itself that these were just intense contractions. I continued to breath the baby down, the contractions were 30 secs apart and as Mark said ‘I can see the hospital’ I said ‘ his head is coming out’. Mark said ‘No it isn’t’. I pulled down my shorts and I could feel his head, it was half out, then came his face.

Mark started yelling: ‘he’s blue, he’s blue’! As we pulled up to A&E he started yelling for help. I remember looking at my baby’s head, looking for the cord around his neck and then pulling him out and up on top of me. He wasn’t moving.

‘Is he ok?’ I asked the doula, then a little squeal and then a cry.

Tears of relief came flooding out.

I told Mark to stop yelling, to not scare the baby. The doors were flying open and people were all over me. I was holding my baby as an FDNY officer was yelling out his APGAR score, saying he was perfect and calling Mark over the cut the cord.

As I was helped out of the cab I saw the driver cheer his hands up and tons of people all around. Little Josef was given back to me wrapped in foil to keep him warm, he had arrived around 8:19am. But I guess no one knows for sure…

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BIRTH STORY: PART II ‘CONTRACTIONS’

August 7, 2017

Three small twinges in my lower abdomen started at 11:10pm. I had spotted a bit but thought it was because of the cervical exam. The tightenings stopped, we went to bed. At 12:40am a stronger tightening woke me, I waited but nothing.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t. At 1:46 a clear painful contraction shot me up. Mark woke at 2:30, I told him that I had been having irregular contractions. Another painful one at 3:00, another three then nothing. We waited an hour to call the midwife. At 4:30, we woke her and she said we would be laboring at home for a long time.

I had started to make noises and they were getting more powerful. I threw up. The doula arrived an hour later. Everyone said we had a long time to go. At this point I started to question if I was weak or crazy as I couldn’t understand how. I could no longer speak to anyone. Every time one would come I would barrel my head into Mark’s chest like a bull. We were sweating and I found comfort in the skin to skin and hard work. He was talking me through each one as I held his thighs and pushed my body forward to counter the pain. They suggested a bath.

I sat in and then convulsed backwards screaming, The biggest one yet. Mark got in behind me, unbearable pain, then on my hands and knees – the bath was not working. I tried to get out but had another before I could leave the bathroom. Mark made me look him in the eye through this one, we both felt trapped in the space. At this point they were coming hard and fast.

We took a position on the floor, my arm around Mark’s neck, my shoulder pushing into his, my head rocking against the birth ball and me pulling his boxers. The noises that began to come out of me were unrecognizable. My doula told me to breath the baby down. Mark coached me through every one, reminding me to relax and recover in between. Straws were coming in from between arms and cold compresses appeared on my neck.

I had no idea where I was or what was happening. At one point all I could hear were negotiations to get to the hospital. I asked for the time, it was 7:39, I thought of the number 8.

‘I didn’t know how we would get there‘…

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BIRTH STORY: PART I ‘LETTING GO’

August 6, 2017

I remember saying to Mark, at 5 wks 5 days of pregnancy:

‘If this little one decides to stay with us it’s going to be a boy’.

I felt a strong connection to him from the very start. I meditated with him almost daily and decided to ask him when he was going to arrive. I always thought he’d come earlier than term, so when I got the answer of 8 I took it to mean 38 wks, June 28 or July 8. As each of those markers passed I began to feel a sadness set in. At 39 wks I felt like my ‘birthing window’ had closed.

On July 9 I woke up in the middle of the night in tears, feeling like I had lost that connection and that perhaps it never even existed. I spent the next few days trying to re-focus. I meditated holding my tummy, did yoga and wrote pages in my journal and his letter journal.

On July 12th, my due date, we went to the midwife in the AM and was told I was only 1 cm dilated with a posterior cervix. She said I could go into labor this weekend but she could always strip the membranes on Monday if not. It seemed like my body wasn’t ready. I went home not knowing what to do with myself. I read an article my doula sent me which had the line ‘Shouldn’t there be a word for this state of being, describing the time and place where mothers linger, waiting to be called forward?’ and flooded up again. Not because of this ‘in-between’ but rather the realisation of how sad I was that this pregnancy was coming to an end. It had been such an incredible time and despite some of my discomforts I’d never been happier. I was grieving the end of my pregnancy.

I took out my letter journal to Snowman and wrote him one final note. I thanked him for the beautiful journey together and told him that now he was free to start his own adventures. I let go of my attachment to him inside of me with great sadness but almost immediately felt a weight lift off my shoulders. That night Mark was at work dinner and I was feeling exhausted but thought it was from the emotions of the day. Mark got home around 10pm and as we were catching up I felt a twinge

‘I think that might have been a little contraction’

I said…

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Qualification

200hr Yoga Union Three Pillars of Yoga with Alison West

Certified Postnatal fitness specialist with Jessie Mundell

Birthing from Within trained mentor

The Breathing Project: Embodied Anatomy of the Axial and Appendicular Skeleton with Amy Matthews

100hr Yoga Union Backcare and Scoliosis Certification with Alison West (in process)

Ropes and Slings certifications

85hrs Pre/Postnatal/Baby and Me – Prenatal Yoga Centre NYC

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