I remember saying to Mark, at 5 wks 5 days of pregnancy:
‘If this little one decides to stay with us it’s going to be a boy’.
I felt a strong connection to him from the very start. I meditated with him almost daily and decided to ask him when he was going to arrive. I always thought he’d come earlier than term, so when I got the answer of 8 I took it to mean 38 wks, June 28 or July 8. As each of those markers passed I began to feel a sadness set in. At 39 wks I felt like my ‘birthing window’ had closed.
On July 9 I woke up in the middle of the night in tears, feeling like I had lost that connection and that perhaps it never even existed. I spent the next few days trying to re-focus. I meditated holding my tummy, did yoga and wrote pages in my journal and his letter journal.
On July 12th, my due date, we went to the midwife in the AM and was told I was only 1 cm dilated with a posterior cervix. She said I could go into labor this weekend but she could always strip the membranes on Monday if not. It seemed like my body wasn’t ready. I went home not knowing what to do with myself. I read an article my doula sent me which had the line ‘Shouldn’t there be a word for this state of being, describing the time and place where mothers linger, waiting to be called forward?’ and flooded up again. Not because of this ‘in-between’ but rather the realisation of how sad I was that this pregnancy was coming to an end. It had been such an incredible time and despite some of my discomforts I’d never been happier. I was grieving the end of my pregnancy.
I took out my letter journal to Snowman and wrote him one final note. I thanked him for the beautiful journey together and told him that now he was free to start his own adventures. I let go of my attachment to him inside of me with great sadness but almost immediately felt a weight lift off my shoulders. That night Mark was at work dinner and I was feeling exhausted but thought it was from the emotions of the day. Mark got home around 10pm and as we were catching up I felt a twinge
‘I think that might have been a little contraction’